Just For Funsies: College, Hell, What’s The Difference

One day when Gregory was supposed to be studying for finals. Blue: “Hey Red; I should be studying for finals, but I don’t wanna. Whatever shall I do!?” Red: “Have you considered *not* studying?” Blue: “Yeah!”
Red: “Brilliance!” Blue: “Why, why didn’t I think of this before?!” Blue: “So registration was this morning, and my floor-mate got all 8 a.m classes.”
Red: “Oh, damn!” Red: “That’s a circle of hell all on its own!”
Blue: “Wait; we can run with this!” (Two hours of not studying later…) Blue: “Looks like we finally finished our ‘Hell-As-College’ list of things!” Red: “Now we can go get those lessons on proper inflection and tooooone!” Red: (normally) “So here’s the dealio. Because college is its own wonderful little hell, it felt only rational to draw the obvious connections between Dante’s Inferno and the hell that is college.” Blue: “This is the by product of that psychotic brainchild.”
Red: “Circle One! Those poor souls trapped in Limbo are the prospies, who never found it in their hearts to commit. Their punishment is to simply not to go to college.
*sighs* Poor them.” Blue: “They will live in their parent’s basement forever.” Blue: “Circle Two!”
Red: “In the Circle of Lust are those who use all the condoms, sexiled their roommate one too many times, talked about their sexploits at dinner when literally no one asked or wanted to hear! Or engaged in such behaviors at an inordinately high volume, not even thinking to account for the thinness of the walls, or the floors.” Blue: “Here we find about 90% of all college students or essentially the way you see it, everyone but you.” Red: “Their punishment, fittingly enough, is to be hit on by a creepy person in a frat party for all eternity.” Blue: “Circle Three!”
Red: “In the Circle of Gluttony we find those criminals who hoarded dining hall food?
Blue: “For some ungodly reason.” Red: “If they wanted dining hall food, they’ll get dining hall food! Their punishment is to dine on Aramark forever.” Blue: “Circle Four! Those found in the Circle of Avarice are those pretentious dickweeds who selected the major solely for the desire to get a lucrative job.” Red: “And they *never* shut up about all the internships they qualify for!” Blue: “Sadly these poor souls are doomed to an eternity of working as a fry cook at Burger King.” Red: “Next up is Circle Five! And it’s a well accepted fact that going to college means having to take tests, and lots of them!” Blue: “But I’m afraid that some people didn’t get the memo. Those found in the Circle of the Wrathful and the Sullen are those who seem surprised angry or just plain mopey at the prospect of having to actually take exams.” Red: “Doing work at college?! Inconceivable!” Blue: “Fittingly these poor sods are forced to stress and study forever. And here’s the Really Bad Part. If they ever take their eyes off of their work, they instantly forget everything!” Both: *evil laughter* Red: “Be glad your studying doesn’t look like this.”
Blue: “Circle six!” (that rhymes) Blue: “We all know that one guy who never shuts up about his crappy professors.”
Red: “But they surely can’t be that bad, right?” Blue: “Well, hell certainly think so! Those heretics who complain inordinately about these poor overworked souls, find themselves holding office hours in burning cubicles.” Red: “Let’s see how easy they think it is after an eternity explaining the same concept to bored adolescents over and over again!” Both: *more evil laughter* Blue: “Circle Seven! So since we’re at least tangentially adhering to the source material here, this circle has three rings in it.”
Red: (Beyoncé must have loved it)
Blue: “So in the first ring, we find those monsters who callously trashed the rooms of others.”
Red: “That’s as close to murder as you can get in college.”
Blue: “Wellllll…” Red: “These morally depraved and unorganized souls are forced to remain in their rooms with the sprinklers going off forever.” Blue: “People who engage in overly self-destructive behavior find themselves in the next ring. Transformed into expensive textbooks forever.” Red: “Get it, it’s like the… like the suicide forest, cuz… paper comes from trees yo (save the planet).” Red: “In the Ring of the Blasphemers we find those perpetually unsatisfied bell-ends who solve all their problems by whining to anyone who’ll listen-”
Blue: “And those who even don’t want to-” Red: “About the university as a whole, despite actively going there and not making the slightest effort to transfer elsewhere.” Blue: “These whine cellars-” (ha ha!) “are doomed to wear sweaters from rival universities and deal with the social consequences forever.” Red: “Thus is the price of half-assing your treacheries.” Blue: “Circle Eight!”
Red: “Onward to the MaleBullcrap!”
Blue: “Aren’t I a genius?” Red: “In the first bolge are those who, when consigned to group project work, refuse to contribute or pull their weight, and instead devoted their time and energy to kissing up to the one contributing member of the group, knowing full well that they- -and everyone else – hate your guts.” Blue: “Okay, that Italian wasn’t quite correct, but it was mostly okay, so I’ll let it slide.” Blue: “Anyway, the price for such pandering is an eternity of pulling your weight in the form of dragging boulders in [a] twisted infinite relay race for all eternity.” Red: “Next is the bul-gie of-
Blue: “That wasn’t even slightly Italian!” Red: “-Flattery, where those teachers pets who endlessly kiss up are turned into that which they long to become; actual pets.” Red: “Now this bogey-”
Blue: “Red, you’re killing me!
Red: “-is for a whole new kind of asshole.” Red: “We’ve probably heard legends of that guy, but few have ever actually seen his face. That dedicated douchebag who signs up for hundreds of primetime slots the minute class registration opens and then sells them back for exorbitant prices.”
Blue: “This squeaky-voiced tosspot- (Who’s probably also a bored econ major, just you watch) -is sentenced to eternal 8 a.m. classes.” Red: “And, because we’re theoretically sticking to the source material, they’re also upside-down and on fire.” If you want to sell the good stuff, you’re Blue: “If you want to sell the good stuff, you’re gonna get left with the bad stuff.” Red: “Next in this bulge-”
Blue: “What circle of hell am I in to deserve this?” Red: “-are those who try to cheat their own future. Those who attempt to get a leg up in their classes by immorally procuring previous year’s study materials.”
Blue: “Asking upperclassmen for old exam questions. There are no depths to which these depraved deadbeats won’t dive.” (Woo Alliteration!) Blue: “For their crimes against properly educating themselves, those souls are doomed to eternally use the wrong study guides and thus show up to their bio final armed with perfect knowledge of 18th Century French history.” Red: “Next is the bull-jay-” Blue: “Why are you doing this to me?!”
Red: “-of the Barrators (sp?), students who try and line up ‘business opportunities’ with other students, despite all of them essentially being Ponzi schemes. And this one is my faaaaavorite punishment!”
Blue: “Worst job interview ever. They’re unprepared, their suit is uncomfortable, one of their pockets started falling off on their way over and it’s not *super* obvious, but they know that it’s there and slowly driving them nuts. One of their shoes is brown and the other is black, and they spend the entire interview hoping to God that the interviewer doesn’t notice.” Red: “Oh, but he notices! And he notices him noticing! And he notices him noticing him noticing and this goes on forever, BECAUSE HE’S IN HELL!!!” Red: “In the next Borgy-”
Blue: “Stop!” Red: “We find the hypocrites! The squeaky clean, starry-eyed freshman, whose stellar work ethic completely dissolves after a single semester, as they melt into a puddle of alcohol and missed classes.” Blue: “Their next punishment is truly karmic, they’re forced to explain their deteriorating grades to their parents over an eternally awkward dinner.” Red: “Plus they smell of weed the whole time, and it’s pretty obvious, but they’re not sure if their parents recognize it or not. Blue: “Oh, but they do. Much like the interview, they do.
Red: “Yeah, your parents got up to some crazy stuff in the 70’s.” Red: “First of all, if you do this next thing you’re an actual bastard.”
Blue: “And you should be ashamed of yourself.” Red: “You kiss your mother with those… thieving hands?!” Blue: “Anyway! People in this next bolge- (Is that how you say that?) It’s really not that hard- Ah! Are- are thieves, plain and simple. These are the godless sociopaths who steal unattended laptops in the library, with NO regard for the countless essays and assignments they’re callously murdering!” Red: “And so the takers have become the take…ers… in Taken! Doomed to an eternity of being hunted by none other than Liam Neeson! And those in this bull-ge-” Blue: “I LITERALLY just said it!”
Red: “-are deceiving! Just like those lowdown dirty deceivers that they are. Blue: “References!”
Red: “So yeah, this one is full of deceivers, in case you didn’t get the memo. Those betrayers who screw over their friends during housing by telling them they’ll all stick together and end up leaving to get a single all by themselves.” Blue: “Deception!” Red: “They screwed their friends, so now their friends screw them! Dyu-”
Blue: “Not quite.” Red: “That is, they find themselves in the absolute worst room on campus! No outlets work, there’s a sprinkler right over their bed, the windows don’t open, and the room permanently smells of piss.” Blue: “It’s also right next to the RA’s room and the walls are paper-thin.” Red: “And on the other side the neighbors are constantly banging!”
Blue: “Their roommate has a significant other who literally never leaves and has the worst laugh.” Red: “And we all know the people who belong in this next to bullja!”
Red: “I believe you mean ‘es Espanol!'” (Subtitler: Goddamnit Red!) Red: “It’s home to the gossipers who never stop spreading their lies.” Blue: “No, I didn’t become an atheist because I once pissed myself in church, please stop saying that, it’s not true!” Red: “Just gonna let that one slide… Anyway, the turntables turn on these pitiable fools and suddenly *they* are the gossipies! Everyone is talking about them behind their back.”
Blue: “They don’t know what they’re saying, so they’re eternally self-conscious. They know that things are being said, they’re not happy about it. Also, You’re not allowed to say bolge anymore!”
Red: “But I’ve never said bolge!” Red: “So in this- thingy, are the cheaters who cheat on stuff. Not the most specific of crimes.” Blue: “And I watched Harry Potter 5 a couple months ago, so today’s punishment is that every word they’ve ever plagiarized or otherwise stolen is permanently and repeatedly branded on their body.” Red: “Better hope you stole something short, buddy. Oh, you forgot the Evil Laughter.”
Blue: “Oh-” Blue: “Circle Nine! This circle is mostly for traitors, so the first on our list are those Traitors to Kin, who spend all of their parent’s money.” Red: “Those daft spendthrifts! When will they learn?”
Blue: “Never! Because they get to be frozen in the nearest body of water. Yay, source material!” Red: “Hope you’re proud of yourself, because your parents sure aren’t!” Blue: “Then there are those Traitors to Common Decency and there are kind of a lot of them, so buckle up.”
Red: “Those who betray their friends by leaving their clothes in the wash for hours are subject to a fitting punishment: being trapped in a washing machine with all the other souls! And also, someone’s laundry. By the way, if you actually do this, you’re a monster.” Blue: “The world doesn’t revolve around you, asshole. Get it? Because revolve, and washing machines spin? Ha ha, I’m a genius.” Red: “Yeah, okay. Then there are the Traitors to Household Courtesy. Those who have a snog – or worse – when the roommate’s still in the room!” Blue: “It doesn’t matter if they’re asleep; you’re still an awful person!” Red: “And their punishment? Naked forever!”
Blue: “If you want to be indecent the company of others, so help me God, you will be indecent in the company of others!”
Red: “And this last one is the most heinous of all crimes, and no more joking, if you do this, I will hunt you down and slap you.”
Blue: “We’ve been kidding up until now, but if you actually do this in real life, I hate you, and everything you stand for.”
Red: “These- Are the people who are mean to their teachers.”
(fweet) Blue: “This is unforgivable! Teachers are national treasures!” Red: “They take time out of *their* lives to make *your* sorry butt a little bit smarter and this is how you repay them?!” Blue: “Your parents raised you better than this!”
Red: “Would you be this mean to your Grandma?!” Huh!?! Blue: “If you only knew how much work they did for you, you wouldn’t be able to look yourself in the mirror!” Red: “Ever indebted to our source material, the punishment for being a dick to teachers is eternally drowning in the school’s tuition vault while the university president watches and laughs.” Blue: “So now that we’ve described the hell of our creation, is there really a moral to the story?” Red: “Don’t be an ass?” Blue: “Yeah, okay, that sounds like pretty good life advice.” Red: “The other moral of the story is if you’re gonna procrastinate studying, at least do something creative with your time.” Blue: “Okay, so Red, say with me because this is going to bother me to no end.” Blue: “Bolge.”
Red: “Bulg-ee” Blue: “Bolge”
Red: “Bol-jaa” Blue: “You are pure evil!” Red: “I am necessary evil!”

100 Replies to “Just For Funsies: College, Hell, What’s The Difference”

  1. "Would you be this mean to your grandma?"

    I've been trying to buy a hand grenade specifically to take to my maternal grandmother's funeral so I can throw it down the hole and make sure she stays dead.

  2. Oh my parents are teachers. If you disrespect teachers I will find you, and I will, uh wait I can’t say the other word on youtube anymore DANG IT!

  3. I had a friend who's older brother was going to professional dance school and they had to try out to get in. Never taking dance and not really trying my friend got in and he was just following everyone else, but he just decided to not go. He is to talented and lucky of everything

  4. I love Red and Blue! God this channel is great! Also never go to college. Trade school is better. And I’m in 5 as I keep studying up on history even out of college.

  5. I'll say one thing, yes i am a fresh man at my University but the thing is the whole hate for the teacher doesn't really apply to everyone. I'll admit it, there is one teacher me and everyone hates for 2 reasons. She's a bad teacher, we try to be polite and we don't do anything against her, but she both sucks at teaching and completely fails at understanding what being in college means. She acts more like a middle school teacher and it's insulting and hard to keep focus. No hate in the end and god i wish these circles of hell were true for college.

    Anywho, love your vids, stay awesome and keep up the great content.

  6. 4:30 what? In my uni there was a section of the library dedicated to old exam questions, why would you need to steal them from upper classmen

  7. Errrm not all teachers are great. We had teachers who tried hard, put up with a lot and really wanted the best for their students….. but we also had useless crap of teachers. Our gym teacher would throw a ball and literally do nothing (what the f* was the point of him, a racoon could do his job better). Our geography teacher was on autopilot, hed take a book and start slowly melancholy reading it out loud (no explanation, no pause for questions, not caring that people in the back were talking out loud…. just a big "i dont get paid enough for this" attitude). Our philosophy teacher would just crack jokes all the time (clarification HE would crack jokes all the time… everybody had to listen and laugh… it was the biggest waste of time i ever had the misfortunate of having). Our business teacher was so full of himself (not a bad teacher, but definetly not worth the praise). And one of our math teachers…. my god!! I almost asked my parents to sue the school. Never had i seen a stupider person teaching, who knew nothing about maths and had no teaching or math experience (she took pride in being a park ranger… what the hell does that have to do with anything??)

    Sorry for the rant… just wanted to get that off my chest

  8. You have an unhealthily high opinion of teachers, or rather an overgeneralised opinion of them.

    Many teachers don't do anything except get to class, give assignments, jerk around on facebook for a couple hours and leave, doing the legal minimum to earn their pay.

    I don't say that as the edgy "teachers are evil incarnate because they make me work !" kid.
    I'm saying it because SEVERAL of my teachers when i was studying multimedia EXPLICITLY TOLD US.

  9. OSP: If they take their eyes off their work, they instantly forget everything! Be glad your studying doesn’t look like this!!
    Me: has ADHD
    Me: I didn’t expect to get called out this hard but here we are I guess

  10. having been to multiple colleges and worked for a few i have to disagree with the last one. keeping with the theme of the circle being for traitors, the last spot should be for instructors who lose your work, give you a zero, and say you never turned it in. or profs who do the “so what about x-?” “…” “anyone?” “…?” “if no one volunteers i will just start callinn names” -you put your hand up to move things along “-sigh- anyone /besides/ [name]” …. like really?? have you never read/watched/been vaguely acquainted with Harry Potter and the fact that you are being a bullying shitlord?

  11. 4:25 Wait what? My uni had these in the library, you could sign out a book full of old tests and photocopy it like crazy as a study aid.

  12. I don't like saying I hate everything someone stands for, because someone said that to me once, so I listed off the things I stood for, so when I got to LGBT rights, the Non-binary person in the room just gave him a half joking death stare, best joke I've made in my entire life up to this point!

  13. I think it was a tradition in the college of engineering at the university I went to to pass down previous years study materials to the younger students

  14. I have only 2 classes and I move ahead in the classes and end up spending time on my phone but keep one headphone part away from my head so I can listen to my teacher

  15. It's been two years since I first saw this and I still haven't stopped laughing at the exchange

    "You are pure evil!"

  16. Yep. Welp. I do some of this stuff, but most of the time because I'm too sick either mentally or physically to move ten feet from my room without either having a full blown panic attack or just collapsing in the laundry room. And, while it keeps seeming like I'm just too ill in one way or another to do anything in college, I don't drop out because to admit defeat would mean going to the kind of life my family leads. And from someone who has lived in a home where we consistently don't have anything we need, watch our relatives die from preventable diseases, and slowly kill ourselves trying to dim the agony from our mental illness, let me tell you that we are actually better off dead than living that way.
    I think I would find this video hilarious under other circumstances, but I already have a lot of people angry at me for things I can't help. Damnit, I just wanna live. I'm sorry if I'm making everyone's lives worse, but I try really hard to stay out of other people's way. I just can't help it. I'm just sorry.

  17. Literally when i got to college I was so excited to not have to worry about writing some bullshit paper or speaking in groups, I figured we'd only be studying and taking tests. My first and soon all my professors first words were, we'll be getting rid of all those pesky tests that causes so much anxiety for all of you and focus solely on writing and speaking in groups, thankfully my coding class and math are the only exceptions.

  18. 0:09
    My last two braincells talking to each other while I eat pocket spaghetti on the floor in the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably, for the eighth time today.

  19. What is a RA and why do they get their own room, and why is it that bad? Im a dane and have no idea what anything college is like.

  20. For the people stuck in limbo, they could just get one of those high paying jobs that don’t require a college degree. Welding, trench digging, garbage man, hey just because it’s not a fun or good job doesn’t mean it’s not a job that needs doing.

  21. 2 collage thieve stories;

    one time, my uncle heard a pair of kids up a path about 50 yards away, and they said wanna rob that guy? and he gave them such a look, that without saying a word, actually ran away.
    they were in a school newspaper for being arrested for theft and assault
    another time, his friend found someone stealing from his garage. he told him to stop, the robber threatened him, and he used a katakana in self defense. you can see where this went.

  22. Can I be mean to my teacher if they deserve it? Cause my algebra 2 teacher was hated by EVERYONE. She was the kind of person that would teach a new subject for about 10 minutes and give you 30 problems without a calculator. And whatever you didn’t finish would have to be done at home with ANOTHER 30 problems

  23. What if those teachers that teach you so little that you had to get the head office/other teachers involved? This happened twice, and I realized what was happing too late, but luckily my peers didn't and reported these teachers immediately, and we got our money back/new classes that we had to take during lunch break. Happened twice and one of them was a sexist asshole.

  24. Oh there are many more than nine circles of college hell, and they are all grouped by major then personality type. Personally, I'm in one of the deepest circles: a forced chemistry major coupled with introversion and social anxiety 😁👍

  25. I hope the "live in their parent's basement" comment towards people who choose not to go to college is sarcastic. I don't want to be in debt for a degree I'm not sure about and be financially burdened when I'm doing just fine managing a restaurant and making enough for rent and occasional vacations.

  26. My roommate transferred rooms to get away from me. I lived a quiet hermit-like existence in our room, but was very easily offended by the noise he made (with his TV and his live X-box games) and was not shy about making light of it. This was apparently enough to drive him away.
    What should my punishment be?

  27. Ok so on the teacher one, I am becoming a teacher. I do this because I want to help kids. It broke my heart when my classmates made my teacher run from the room in tears because of how rude they were. Throwing things, insulting her, general assholery. I followed and ended up comforting her.

  28. If y'all ever get around to this (or even notice this comment after over four years), could you update the audio at the end of the video? It cuts out before Red says "at least do something interesting".
    Even better, if possible, could y'all do an update to this video with further College/Hell wisdom? Or perhaps equivalent lectures on College Purgatory or Paradise? It would at least be more excuses to skip studying or working. 🙂

  29. Ok but does it count as heresy if my teacher tried to force her political beliefs on us, complained about everything in her life and then yell at us if we even mentioned one thing wrong in ours, teased me publicly about having a panic attack in class, and then accused me of trying to murder her with a printer multiple times when I was just trying to get my work to her?

  30. Confession: I don’t study. Ever. I don’t even know how to study. I just go to class and read the assigned readings. That’s enough for me. I’m not going to try and cram a bunch of information that I won’t remember in a week. That’s just pointless. If I’m going to learn something, I want to actually know it by the end of it. So I guess that I just don’t artificiality inflate my test scores by learning a bunch of stuff only in the short term. My test scores reflect what I actually know. If you jumped out of the bushes and ambushed me with an exam, I would do just as well as I would in a classroom with several months notice.

  31. snrk!
    So… In which Circle does one bomb their scholarship essays, not have money for tuition, and thus join the Marines and get paid peanuts to break themselves while people shoot real bullets in their general direction?

  32. When i couldnt play my final exam due to stage fright, I preformed a magic trick with forerro roches chocolates getting stuck in my Sax. They would just keep falling out.

  33. What if my teacher hates me because I look vaguely like that one kid who was a jerk, or still some other stupid reason.

  34. Literally EVERY SINGLE THING you've said about teachers can be refuted without much difficulty, so here it goes:
    1. Teachers are assholes, at least where I'm from. They lie, manipulate and aggravate their students in an attempt to make their lives that much more miserable.
    2. They DO NOT take ANY time out of their "socially rich" lives to make "my sorry ass a little bit smarter", but they rather DO THEIR JOB AND ARE PAID BY THE GOVERNMENT FOR IT! God, I absolutely despise anyone who is uneducated on the matter and has the gall to lecture me about teachers, even though I've spent over 20 years in school, from primary up to university to become one. I ultimately dropped out because I saw what assholes they are and I now have my dream job (I'm a web developer and I love every second of it).
    3. My parents raised me to be respectful to those who show ME respect, first and foremost and everyone whose job is to teach in a traditional classroom has an ego the size of Jupiter and fragility of 1mm thin glass. And if they make a mistake and you correct them, well… good luck, for you'll surely need it.
    4. NO! Obviously I wouldn't treat my grandma that way, because she doesn't treat me like a teacher would. What the fuck is that logic?
    All in all, this was very fun, if you need more argument reconstruction, hit me up

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